Update: after calling amazon support and being hung up on 4 times the lady with an accent foreign to me states "I am sending you a new remote it will be there in 4 days" I wasn't happy. What happened to my prime delivery?
At any rate. I get this sleek shiny new remote still in it's crinkle wrap. I reset my fire tv stick just to make sure it's not still desperate to try and cling to the old remote (I might add my issues happened after I changed my internets network name so I couldn't use the iPhone app) Lo and behold. The remote still didn't work. I started button mashing in frustration instead of doing the "Home" tactic since that obviously didn't work, and BAM. It paired. No idea why or how but I still loathe it.